


No Regrets

by Christian_Buddha_Chips_Against_Spaghetti



Category: Overwatch (Video Game), Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971), 킬링 스토킹 | Killing Stalking (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, Everybody do the space jam, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, M/M, PWP, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-08-18 19:37:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8173499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Christian_Buddha_Chips_Against_Spaghetti/pseuds/Christian_Buddha_Chips_Against_Spaghetti
Summary: Hanzo heard something unzip.“Open your mouth.”





	1. Chapter 1

It felt like the day lasted for years to Hanzo. He was so exhausted, traveling through the burning desert. He hated traveling, especially to places where the scorching sun shines on him throughout the day. He drank a lot of water during the trip- so much that at one point, he threw it all up. He hated it, all of it, but it had to be done. He needed to get to Izmo peak before sundown before his enemies got there first. They definitely haven’t found out yet, but at the moment they do, they’d be at the peak in an instant, and Hanzo’s life would be on chopping block. This wasn’t new to Hanzo, though. He was always on the chopping block. He felt weird worrying so much, as he’d usually get away with these pretty easily. Hanzo was an early bird, always finishing before his enemy could, but he had a gut feeling this mission was going to end up terribly. 

He stopped. Going any further would kill him, even though he was so close. There was no point in getting there if he won’t be able to get out. Hanzo slumped down near a rock in the opening of trees. He was drenched in sweat, his feet swelled, and he breathed heavily. He looked around and saw a crappy looking motel nearby. 'Maybe they have water,' he thought. It didn’t matter. There was no way Hanzo could get up without collapsing. He put his knees up and put his hands on top of them, then tilted his head down between his legs and closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see anything; everything was so blurry and made him dizzy. I just need a moment, a few minutes of rest- He was out completely.

Hanzo opened his eyes and felt dizzy. He laid his head on the rock behind him, head tilted. He looked in front of him and saw the sky was orange and the sun was setting. Immediately, he jumped up.  
“FFFF-K-GAH!” Hanzo collapsed.  
His legs felt like all the blood had been sucked out of them. He knew this was going to happen. Going on foot such a distance with no rest was so idiotic, and when he rested after he’d outdone himself, he fell asleep for hours, only to wake up at sunset and feeling the pain that he should have felt before.  
Hanzo cursed. He felt so helpless, so angry at himself. He tried to get up again, only to fall back down. He tried again, and again. It was so painful, but that needed to be put aside if he wanted to get out of this mess.  
“Is it that hard to stand up?”  
Hanzo bolted his head behind him. A man in a red cloak and hat had his back leaned up against a tree with his arms crossed.  
McCree grinned. “What’s the matter bud? You look nervous.”  
Hanzo was nervous. He didn’t know who this man was. ‘Was he too late? Have they beaten me? Is this someone sent to kill me?’ He had so many questions in his head; it made him even more nervous.  
Hanzo spoke. “What do you want?”  
“What do YOU want?” Replied McCree.  
Hanzo didn’t know what to say; he didn’t know who he was talking to.  
“I w- I need to get out of here.”  
His eyes narrowed at the stranger, eyes travelling upwards as he examined him. The cowboy simply stared back, amused. "Well? Are you just gonna stay here?"  
Hanzo scoffed, furrowing his eyebrows. He could either, A-leave the stranger and possibly die alone, or B- ask the stranger for help and possibly get murdered. Both weren't pleasing choices, but he went with the latter. He hoisted himself up, not completely standing. He was just below eye-level with the other man. 

"You can help me, right?"  
"Hm?"  
"I said, you can help me, /right/?"  
"Of course, that's what intended to do. Why else would I be 'ere?"  
Hanzo grunted. "I need a ride to Izmo's peak."

McCree raised an eyebrow. "You need to be able to stand before goin' places."

Hanzo sighed. That was true, the pain in his legs was unbearable.

He simply nodded, beginning to pace away. "Come 'ere, then." 

"We're... Walking?" 

"The place ain't far away from here."

After what seemed like half an hour of walking through the terrain, they arrived at a small, abandoned house by the time the sky was completely dark. McCree opened the old door, casually strolling inside. Hanzo watched with disgust. The wood was peeling off, and the place had no light. It seemed like a neglected building, or even a hideout. He was, however, in no place to judge. He trailed behind, trying his very, very best not to cringe. Part of him wondered why he even chose to trust this man. He seemed anything but 'safe', with that smug smile on his mouth, and that accent that he hated. He was in no state to fight, really. If the other person was to attack him out of the blue, he doubted that he'd be able to taste victory. The thought made him scowl. 

"Sit." McCree mused, motioning at a wooden stool against a wall. Reluctantly, he obeyed, walking towards the sound of his voice, and had to feel around for a bit before sitting down. He could barely see the man in front of him.

"I don't want to make this difficult." 

And at this moment, Hanzo knew he fucked up His back stiffened, as he didn’t have the slightest clue on what was about to happen next. After all, he had to be alert. He probably wasn’t even going to get any help; it was pretty obvious he wasn’t going to get help from a random stranger. Who knows what the strange man would do. He could be some sort of robber or criminal. Well, he was desperate when he woke up. At that time, his mindset was to get some sort of help, no matter how risky it was. 

“What do you mean by ‘difficult?’” Asked Hanzo.

“Pay no mind to it. Just stay still and do what I say,” replied McCree

Hanzo heard something unzip.

“Open your mouth.”

He arched an eyebrow, suspicious. Even so, he didn’t want to speak, nor open his mouth. ‘What do I do?’ He thought. He had to do something quick. 

“What's wrong?” McCree cupped Hanzo’s chin(Hanzo shaved ok) . “Cat got your tongue?” 

He flinched at the contact, surprised from the somewhat foreign feeling. He tried to get up and shove McCree out of the way, but the other man easily dodged, grabbing his neck firmly in place. Hanzo struggled. He tried to pull off McCree’s hand, but nah man. Hanzo tried to kick but he couldn’t feel his legs at this point. 

“Don’t fight it,” McCree whispered into Hanzo’s ear

McCree gripped Hanzo’s neck and Hanzo felt lightheaded,struggling to breathe. McCree, knowing that the other was mostly defenseless, pushed him backwards and he coincidentally landed on the stool again. Hanzo slumped in the stool, dizzy.

“Open”

Hanzo squinted.

His teeth were clenched together, face looking away from the figure in front of him. McCree grunted. “You’re making this awfully difficult.” 

Hanzo didn’t respond. 

“If it’s too hard, I’ll do it for you.” His voice went lower.

 

Hanzo has made many regrets in his life, but this was probably the biggest one.

 

Obediently, he turned his head back in front of him and opened his mouth. There was a moment of silence, then a sound of crinkling. Hanzo tensed up. Just what was this man’s intention? This was stupid, so stupid. Exactly how did he get himself stuck in this mess in the first place? Everything was a blur to Hanzo, everything was so painful. This had better been one of those cliche nightmares, the ones that seemed all too real. But oh god, this was real. He’d much rather be on the battlefield, fighting enemies and assisting allies. Instead, he was as vulnerable as ever, listening to the orders of a complete stranger. At that moment, he realized that he had no friends. How unfortunate. He was unsure whether his comrades could even be considered ‘friends’. And now, instead of fighting on the battlefield, he was on a chinese stool( https://ae01.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1rAiTKFXXXXaxXpXXq6xXFXXXh/Best-For-Camping-And-Fishing-Hello-Kitty-font-b-Garden-b-font-font-b-Stool-b.jpg ) in front of another man with his mouth open. 

He felt something enter his mouth, slightly jabbing at the side of his cheek. On reflex, he gagged, feeling nauseous. He was sure that something had just been shoved into his throat, and because of the unfortunately dark environment, he didn’t know what. He also couldn’t see the toothy grin of McCree, beaming down at him.

He allowed his tongue to run over the rough object, face immediately crinkling at the taste of it. He knew what it was, and it wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. It was sweet., and he was almost certain on what it was. “Hey, eat a Snickers.” 

Trying to speak with the chocolate bar inside his mouth, he let out a quiet ‘why’’. 

“Because you turn into an angry lonely japanese man when you’re hungry”

He bit into it, chewing slowly. He could hear the man snicker.

“Better?” 

Chill Canadian Hanzo with friends nodded.

“Better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no porn for you yet kiddos


	2. You decide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ( ﾟヮﾟ)  
> Kudos if you get any of the inside jokes

Last time on Sponsered By SnickersTM

-Chill canadian hanzo with friends now  
Mei 2.0

Mccree Hanzo fluff  
“I want more snickers”  
“Idk wur dey are lets find dem  
Get lost  
1 path leads to tim hortons 1 to jeans house  
Finds emo jeans house  
This porridge is to hot etc  
“Das mine expensivp poriddge”  
“Have a snickers”  
“Fuck ur snickers”  
Mccree breaks emo jeans ankles  
1st degree Five Knuckle Shuffle  
Hanzo runs away in dark place  
Light up sketchers betray him  
“Its k”  
“Rlly?”  
“Not with your legs in that condition”  
*ANKLE BREAK*  
“Son i ate all ur halloween candy”  
“Im like 20 i dont do dat sht wtf”  
“U dressed up as a fairy on halloween last year dont lie to me”  
“JIMMY KIMMELS NEVER DIE”

 

http://kurokonobasuke.wikia.com/wiki/File:Akashi_ankle_breaks_Kagami.png  
http://kurokonobasuke.wikia.com/wiki/File:Ankle_break_Midorima.gif

““What's wrong?” McCree cupped Hanzo’s chin(Hanzo shaved ok) . “Cat got your tongue?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnppNQHMquQ

 

Satan grabbed a card  
“I ACTIVATE MY TRAP CARD: GAGAGAGA TRAP CARD!!!”  
Hanzo squinted.  
“Pathetic! Take my BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON!!” He lashed out his card.  
Satan’s eyes widened, gasping. “N..nani?!”  
“impossiburu……”  
Hanzo smirked, nodding his head. “That's the way uhuh uhuh.”  
“YOU DIE NOW” 

“EAT SHIT SATAN”

Satan smacked hanzo into the wall.

 

“Thats me, Hanzo, you probably are wondering how I got here; here's my story”

“It all started on a grimy night where a snickers was forcefully shoved down my throat. Personally i prefer twix over snickers. I know what you're thinking, but Hanzo!Left or Right? H-”

“Don’t tell me... i dont wanna fight u over this” Mccree blankly said, glaring at the other man. 

“Shut it, mccree. You’re not the one with blue eyes white dragon.”

“Whatever, let’s get moving. Don’t wanna get stuck travellin’ at midnight.”

 

And so, they began to stride towards the next camp site. The dusty dirt road seemed to never end as they travelled under the beating sun. “Are you sure you know where we’re going?”

“Yee haw desu ,” McCree replied. 

Hanzo took that as a yes. 

The rest of the walk was in silence. It was a pleasant silence, a time to take in nature and be mindful of the surroundings around them. Birds were chirping and the the trees were swaying. 

“We’re going on a trip in our favourite pair of sketchers flying thru the forest, to the next camp site,” Mccree softly sang. Hanzo’s eye twitched.

“Do you not like that song?” McCree asked, frowning. Hanzo shook his head and looked the the ground. The silence commenced, and this time it was awkward. Racking his brain for what to say, McCree broke the silence.

“So, uh. What’s your favourite colour?”

“Seriously? Out of all things you ask what my favourite colour is?” Hanzo snickered. “My favourite colour is red. It represents the flag of my country, and the cups at Tim Hortons!”

“Oh yeah you’re canadian now” Mccree said as Hanzo sang O Canada very loudly.

“I want chocolates”

“Some chocolates at this very time and place would be nice”

“Oh boy i could go for some chocolates, a desert that is often consumed by humans around the world but is deadly for pets, right about on this time of year, month, and day of that is which of where in here is time of our presence .”

Mccree dug into his hat for chocolates.  
“Darn, I lost em.”

“What! No! My tastebuds will not go untasted! We must find them!”

Mccree nodded. 

“Where are we anyways?” Hanzo asked.

“Dunno, i'm just following you”  
“But i was following you”

Both weebs stood in place in shock.

“A-are we, two middle aged men, unsure of our current location, thus not being able to find our way back or to our current destination that we’re seeking to arrive upon?!” Hanzo whispered with emotion. His eyes were worried, and he tilted his hand in a 90o angle, or what you can call a right angle triangle. To find the missing length of a right angled triangle, you’d need to know the pythagorean theory! 

 

“Hanzo?” Mccree stared at the blank Hanzo.  
“...Simple geometry!” 

“W-Woah… what other wisdoms do you posses?”

Hanzo closed his eyes. “...Scatter!”

McCree stumped backwards, eyes wide.

“And, here’s one that I’ve picked up from my brother.”  
“What is it?!”  
“Mada mada, impatient fool.”

“To find the chocolate, we need the golden ticket,” Said Hanzo.

“How will we find the golden ticket?” Asked Mccree.

Hanzo picked up a slingshot shaped stick and held it by the lone long end.  
“Follow my lead!”  
(“See through the dragon's eyes”)  
McCree followed Hanzo across the yellow brick road, and thus began the adventure for the golden ticket.

 

The path splitted into two. In the middle of the path was a sign with the following:

Left: Tim Hortons  
Right: Emo Jean’s headquarters

Hanzo halted and Mccree bumped into him.

“Eenie meenie miney mo catch a tiger by the toe  
If he prowls let him go  
Eenie meenie miney mo!”

The stick handed on Emo Jean’s headquarters.

“Are you sure?” Mccree gulped. The path looked a lot darker than the one to Tim Hortons. In the distant was a lonely looking townwith sht on it.

“The stick finds it mark!”

They both started running like Naruto into that path screaming “DATTEBAYO!!”

The path finally led into the neighborhood. It looked empty n sht.

“You think anyone lives here?” Mccree asked.  
“If so we must ask them about the chocolates!”

They heard a faint voice singing. “Strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, killing me softly with his song....”

Hanzo’s stick darted toward the direction of the singing. It was floating on its own and the two men followed it. “Follow the stick!” Mr B screamed, “THE STICKS OF DOOM!”

Hanzo and McCree followed his orders, as they did not want to be next to present their history presentations. 

They stopped at the house and knocked on the door.  
“Hello? Is anyone there?”

*silence*

Dey covered demselves with butter and crawled thru the little whole saungbae looked thru.

 

"I'm gay"  
"Lets do it"  
(They did the space jam)  
(or sex if you want it to be)

 

“  
“Sake!”  
“Get the payload moving.”  
“So predictable.”

Then they go to willie wonkas chocolate factory.

To be continued

**“regarde la carte”Traveling**

“Lets have a break and have a kitkat”

Mccree reaches into his bag of chocolates

“Oh no they’re gone!”

“We need to find them!!!” Hanzo yelled.

**Bonus**

“Let’s gogogogo on an adventure!!!  
The thingamajigger is up and awayyyy  
Gogogogo on an adventure  
WERE FLYING WITH THE CAT IN THE HAT TODAY!!!  
http://naruto.wikia.com/wiki/Hanz%C5%8D

ITS THE CAT IN THE HAT  
ALL OF OUR

ADVENTURES START LIKE DAT  
WHEREVER WERE DOING, WHEREVER WERE AT  
THE CAT IN THE HAT KNOWS A LOOOT ABOUT  
(HE KNOWS A LOT ABOUT, HE KNOWS A LOT ABOUT)  
HE KNOWS A LOT ABOUT THAT!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVHZMyfV46Q

 

**我我我**  
**Wǒwówǒ (pinyin)**  
**(gagaga in chinese)**

tactical snow horse activated

Yee haw  
First degree 5 knuckle shuffle 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> no porn for you yet kiddos


End file.
